always been (22/September/18)

they say one should never drive angry… I agree… but what about writing, should one write angry?… I’m angry, right now… or write now?… probably because I’m angry a lot these days; or have I always been like this?… it’s hard to look back without confabulating, cherry-picking either the worse or the best and neglecting the embarrassing, forgetting the inconvenient and burying psychoses.. I appear to have two settings, anger and numb, flip-flopping between the two through rather unsettling crossing points… there’s a lot to be angry about these days; or have they always been like this?… some say so, let it all out, they say, you’ll feel better…. they?… yes, the therapites, those who want to therapise you in submission, raze you to the ground, or hang you out with all your dirty laundry… and before you ask, yes, I reserve the right to invent words, commentators and politicians and fashionistas (i.e. the frivolous) get away with it every day……… and will you?… what?… let it all out?… will it make me feel better?… you can’t know for sure whatever the so-called precedents, and what if it wasn’t, what would be unleashed then?… they say holding it all in corrodes you inside out, even hollows you out… again, no one’s completely sure, it could be that releasing it into the wild like rats from a laboratory would only result in all kinds of unseen fallout… nuclear energy is kept inside the reactor for a good reason… yes I know, far too many analogies running amok here methinks… once the genie’s out of the bottle you can’t unknow, unsee, unhear, untouch what’s unravelled… then what about considered angry writing, or is anger beyond anything considered, a morphograph, a dilution or perhaps distillation of……… what I do know is driving angry = bad idea, whereas writing angry, well, just ensure there’s plenty of ink in the well………

© 2018 robert greig

that feel-good factor (9/March/18)

what little of the moon now hangs, listless… in the sky, where else?…

feeling good is a luxury… as feeling good like any feeling is transitory anyway there’s always equally the inevitability of not feeling good, which may in itself not be that bad as it serves to amplify such moments as defined as feeling good……

no surprise then like most thing, it’s all relative… then doesn’t that suggest that relatively, and by the law of averages (just thought I’d throw that into the scrum too) that at some point or other I too would feel good at least sometimes?…… perhaps… not an argument?… perhaps… I reserve the right to be an awkward bugger at times…… the thing is I don’t feel good, or ok, rarely ever, so blink of an eye are such moments as to almost not be there at all, to be subliminal, measurable only by mere moments, and not many of them at best…… one could say somewhat under the radar and then it’s then gone before I’ve time to wallow in its whatever it is…… some say, grab them however small when you can but that’s tricky when they’ve already flown the nest or decayed like an echo in a box…

the converse can also apply, that feeling good might amplify, or aggravate, the not feeling good times with the potential to make them even worse, with the whole concept of being relative does…

I’m not sure I was born with the feeling good gene, that trick of biology that may dispose one too it, to feel good… of course there are those who try to come up with ways of deluding yourself into it, convincing your self that actually things aren’t that bad at all… but in the end you’ve only got their word for it while the voice in your head is huddled among the shadows of doubt pondering imponderables…… one could call the feel-good factor a product of the optimist which may suggest an optimism gene, or these people are just better at self-deception…

I have wondered if, as such, not feeling good is in fact the default, just like it’s easier not to smile than to walk around with a ridiculous grin on your face all the time, even though apparently it takes fewer muscles to smile than not, though I’m not entirely convinced by the simplicity of that theory…… it can be our natural state like a perching birds retracted claws is their natural state or they’d get exhausted having to consciously grip all the time… in the same way smiling is exhausting but not smiling is basically easy……

I can’t remember the last time I felt good, certainly for any longer than the aforementioned subliminal blink of a subliminal eye……

© 2018 robert greig