comedy pants · diary · Dire Straits · Doctor Who · endoscopy · health · hospital · national health service · ysbyty gwynedd

comedy pants, 13/April/17

and the fantastic voyage had begun in brilliant technicolour putting in mind the opening credit sequence to Doctor Who…… but not…….. laying seemingly detached from a world within a world which was in fact me…. yes me……..

and so after pre-prep of q&a’s and a&q’s and wishing I was somewhere else, after a whole twenty four hours on pretty much nothing but fluids with perception becoming increasingly surreal…. a slow fast feeling increasingly endless…. was I allergic to latex?….. my mind said thanks but I’m not that kinda guy……. to wit I answered much more sensibly “no”………. tick tock the time was a-nearing and someone had moved the clock again apparently in the room leaving the nurse puzzled until she reacquainted her eyes on it…….. ah yes, my favourite part, the fetchingly backless gowns which infuriatingly tie at the back… but, but, my arms don’t bend that way!……. anywhere else and this would all be decidedly kinky especially when I was handed and explained how to wear…. the pants!…. immediately I thought ‘comedy pants’…….. huge almost pantaloon-like papery blue material for which they seem to have miscalculated how big I was…….. all it would take would be a single gust of air and I’d be off doing impressions of twin parachutes…….. the equally-loose elastic just about managed to hold them to my waist…….. no I didn’t take a photo, what little dignity I have left I’d like to try and keep…….. hardly a memory I’d treasure amongst the holiday snaps……….

a room of busy voices and beep, beep, beep awaited as the nurse lead me by a loose tie on the gown…….. presumably making sure I don’t try to make a break for it…. as if I would wearing comedy pants! …. (re: the point made about dignity earlier or remnants thereof)…..

time to play doctors and nurses!…… reluctantly I accepted sedation and quite pleased I did, just enough to quell the panic but not so much as to have me telling everyone in the room how beautiful and vivid the nondescript white walls were while pole-dancing off the blood pressure monitor then slinking off with the faeries……. oh cool! I can’t feel my throat… at the very least they could have made the local anaesthetic chocolate-flavoured, yum-yum it was not……… a body now decidedly looser inside and out they were also inside and out of my oesophagus faster than a google search, but with far more satisfactory results…………

and thus the fantastic voyage begun…… who knew that was in there, I’ve been looking for that for weeks………. inside and out in all my inside-out glory feeling like a mole on a worm hunt……. luckily no worms though this wasn’t the aim, and honest they hadn’t given me too much sedation…….. beep, beep, keep breathing said the nurse, which I thought what a good idea, so I did……… I pondered if this was the inspiration behind the Dire Strait’s tune “Private Investigations”……… eek! a mole!…. no moles….. more sedation nurse!…….  no pain no gain, so they say……. painkiller nurse!…….

so soon?…… all over so soon, but I was enjoying it so much….. (not)….. as I was untethered from a plethora of things that beep and other things that bleep and trolley-wheeled too recovery room 1 with a “Private Investigations” earworm and wondering what happened to the mole and then it was out of my comedy pants and unfetching gown back into normal non-comedy clothes…… I’ll miss my comedy pants… (not)……. and into recovery room 2 with a hearty wholemeal sandwich of beetroot, houmous, butternut squash and coriander, and cup of plastic tea, or was it a plastic cup of tea, still not sure………. and hurrah! I could swallow again although I still felt like I was at least six inches off the ground……… never mind, I’ll inevitably come down with a bump, I always do……………

the debrief:    yay me! I passed…. wind, as it happened later, but hey that’s way too personal for this time of day………… seems it was as good as it gets considering….. considering it’s me and I’m already broken anyway……… the joys of endoscopy, what could possibly go wrong!………

ps…. no moles were harmed during the procedure………

© robert greig

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