a head for hats, 13th March 2017

looks like rain, thought Ivor, maybe I should wear a hat…..
am I talking to myself again? pondered Ivor further, seems I do that a lot these days… or perhaps I always have…….
so a hat it is then, decision made! continued a deliberating Ivor though never seem to be sure whether hats are ‘in’ or not….. should it matter one way or the other, maybe that’s a thought to far thought Ivor for today as he’d already had enough thoughts on his mind to deal with for now……. hats are a bit like beards except you tend to wear a beard on the opposite side of your head to a hat…. unless, unless I called my hair a beard, after all it’s also hair but my hair isn’t a beard…… Ivor found these increasing numbers of thoughts unsettlingly trying to usurp his far more important hat thought…… I suppose that’s why they always call one ‘head’ hear and the other ‘facial’ hair…..
but then again where exactly does the face end and the head begin, the hairline?…… but then for bald or balding people that means they could end up with much huger face as it recedes…. and then again surely it’s all your head anyway?…….. I suppose you could call what sits on your head the ‘top’ hair but that raises a whole new dilemma being if there’s a top there must be a bottom, and the term ‘bottom’ hair, oh dear…….  Ivor felt decidedly queasily uncomfortable at that thought……
so his thoughts breadcrumbed their way back to hats where he felt on slightly firmer ground, even though you don’t usually wear hats on your feet……..
I suppose the chin and the head are two sides of the same coin, so to speak…. that is as his head looked nothing like a coin which is just as well, have you ever seen a coin wearing a hat!…….
regardless of all these interrupting thoughts Ivor was still on for a hat day despite also remembering that hats come with a plethora of etiquette… hatiquette!…. when to wear it, when to take it off, when to doff it, tip it, even the angle with which it’s supposed to perch… even when to trick it!… trick it into what he never knew so decided he wouldn’t lose his already unstable train of thought to pondering what on earth a hat-trick is and just hope he won’t have to do one today……..
now of course a new dilemma presented itself before Ivor’s weary wary eyes…. which hat, as Ivor hat lots of hats…. not that he was a hat fetishist or anything he just seemed to accumulate hats like a snowball rolling down a hill but in this case, a hatball…….
as it looks like rain, considered Ivor, then most indubitably a hat day and I think I wear the………

© robert greig


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