advent · Anglesey · anxiety · Beaumaris · chestnuts · Christmas · death · depression · diary · Raynauds · weather · winter

once and future present, 27th November 2016

yesterday (nope, not the beginning of a well-known beatles song)…. I had roasted chestnuts… not so much christmassy, it’s far too early for that malarkey, but let’s say seasonal……. sadly someone else had to break them open for me as my fingers in their usual Raynauds-fashion had all but gone, all the life and colour magicked away by the November air, to a paler shade of white and… if I wasn’t staring at them they might well’ve not been there for their hypothermic numbness… despite two pairs of gloves…… it’s not unusual (no! not another cue for a song), the same happens in reflections, I think “is that me?… god I hope not… (disappointingly) oh, it is”… set the controls for the heart of the numb………. meanwhile Victorians wandered around as though blissfully unaware it was 2016 and not 1870…… what was this strange place?… have I gone back to the future….?…. or been Dr Who’d into some once an future present?….. I didn’t fit…. all these people……. even here, out of time, out of place, I didn’t fit……. all these people…….. I don’t fit my skin, my name, even my clothes sometimes seem to just hang there pretending to be me……. it was cold, as it should be at a “Christmas Victorian Market Fayre”… a market or a fayre, which was it, or both?……. the hot chestnuts in a cup (cardboard, not very Victorian) gave me some reprieve despite helplessly staring at them wondering how without functioning fingers I was going to eat them……… all these people……. I’ve never found my niche, doubt I ever will…. I’m leftovers, the swarf, the peelings….. a vacuum……….. but you don’t want to know all this, what’s important is the chestnuts, were they tasty?… yes, they were….. eventually…

(advent bloggery #1)

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