anxiety · death · depression · diary · emotions · meditation · mind · moods · psychology

is anger, 19th November 2016

sometimes…
it feels like anger is all there is….. more than sometimes…… that anger is all I have… all I am…… are we born with anger, of anger, is it innate?… a defect, or a birthright?…… or is it learned, nurtured, honed, then made manifest through actions to be called.. anger?… or is the seed already there, coded into the dna….?…
ingrained…
into heartwood, stiffening the limbs as it flows through the cambium ever-thickening around the arteries, vitrifying, toughened…. breakable….. feeding on frustration, vulnerability, guilt…….
sometimes…
I feel like that spider in the bath having fallen in going round and round and round looking for a way out, up the smooth white enamel that offers no purchase, each attempt slipping back into its featureless landscape… where the only thing left to do is curl up
… anger at the smallest things, as much expended on the trivial as the huge… disappointment… disenfranchised, disheartened, disillusioned….. irreconcilable dissonance…..a fox chews off its leg to escape the trap…. anger…
laughter from anger
tears from anger
numbness from anger
exhaustion from anger
sometimes…
it feels like anger is always there…. waiting to be let off the leash… containing it is like pushing an inflated balloon through the eye of a needle……
sometimes anger is all there is… more than sometimes…

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